TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your
children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing
home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your
brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate
his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll
know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too
many.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience
you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are
grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
A MOTHER KNOWS
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom."
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your
children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing
home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your
brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate
his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll
know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too
many.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience
you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are
grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
A MOTHER KNOWS
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom."
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